Member-only story
Along my lengthy transgender journey I learned the hard way I had several love affairs.
The main one I want to refer to is the love affair with my wife and the one with myself. Or should I say my feminine self, since I had never really liked my old male side I never asked for. I think the worst part of having two love affairs was the guilt which came with it. I think my major problem came from how much I threw myself into the process of being feminine. If I wasn’t cross dressing in front of the mirror, I was spending my time studying all the girls or women around me. I am sure along the way, my wife caught me daydreaming too much and wondered why I was not paying more attention to her and our marriage.
Along with the daydreams came the frustration I felt when my wife was able to do all the things a woman does in her life. Plus, she wouldn’t let me in to her world very much and she infuriated me when she wouldn’t. The entire process led me to try even harder to improve my makeup and fashion ideas since at that time I was far away from realizing looking like a woman was only the very beginning of my long gender journey. At the time also, since I was putting so much time into myself, I am sure my wife felt unloved and I am surprised we made it through twenty five years of marriage.
Much later, after she passed away, did I learn to love myself. I learned then the fact…
