Stairsteps

Over the years I have thought about my transgender transition as climbing a hill. then sliding down. Recently though, I have began to consider it as more of a trip up a gender stairwell.

My first steps could have been the hardest. I had to live through the unmistakable urge to try on any or all of my Mom’s clothes I could squeeze into. This step produced many feelings including confusion, fear and elation. This step was destined to last many years as I desperately tried to understand ad hide my inner feelings’

The next step brought with it the realization I wanted to be so much more than look like that girl I was seeing in the mirror. I didn’t understand it fully at the time but I wanted to be the girl staring back at me. All of a sudden, the feeling of wearing the clothes and the makeup faded away and a new deep longing settled in.

Ironically the next several steps became steeper and blended in. As I became more experienced in the makeup arts and was able to build my own small collection of women’s clothing, I am of the opinion I paused on these steps to look around and see where I was located. I did know, as far as my gender issues were concerned, not one thing had improved. I still would wake up in the morning wondering if I wanted to spend the day cross dressed as a male or enter m more natural gender (feminine). Unfortunately, there was little I could do about it.

Years later, I was able to take giant steps and actually climb up and see if living a more natural life for me in a women’s world was possible at…