Member-only story
If you are similar to me, many times when you woke up as a kid in the morning you were saddened when you realized the experience you had was nothing more than an evil dream. In other words, in my dreams I was living life as the girl or woman I always wanted to be.
As I grew older, the dreams never went away. Instead they just became more complex and intense. Often the dreams were so intense I would have a difficult time trying to return to reality. Once I did return to my unwanted life as a male, I didn’t want to be there. All along I was pursuing a highly secret life in my dark gender closet. When I did it, at the least, I could relieve the pressure of not being a feminine person the best I could do.
Ironically, it was near this time when I started to participate in organized athletics. During my earliest days of interacting with coaches I learned the basics of muscle memory. To oversimplify the idea, it means you just repeat a motion until it becomes a habit. It turned out, over the years of learning the best I could to cross the gender border, I used the idea of applying muscle memory to certain aspects of moving as a woman. I practiced and I practiced until it became difficult to switch back to moving as my old male self.
During this time also, I was dreaming more and more concerning the possibility I could ever live fulltime as a transgender woman. The…
